It's Like My Best Friend Died

Have you ever felt like you don't matter? There aren't many feelings in the world that are worse than that. My whole life I have tried to think of others. I admit that I have probably failed at that a time or two but I am always trying. I'm always trying to be better and to do better. However, I feel like nobody cares. In the past year I have experienced the highest high when I gave birth to my beautiful daughter (or had her cut out of my abdomen, whatever) and the lowest of lows. I have had some really good friends turn their backs on me. And the worst part is, I don't know what I did. All of the sudden I am feeling such joy and they weren't there for me. I have reached out to no avail. Now I'm trying to find a way to cope. It feels as if they died and it's really hard to lose them all at once.

Nausea and Exhaustion

What's awesome is that nobody reads this. I haven't posted in months and nobody seems to miss me. Since then, I've married my best friend, we went on a fabulous honeymoon, we celebrated Christmas with our families AND we learned that we are going to have a baby! We are beyond thrilled.
As of now, our due date is September 20. I have constant nausea and constant exhaustion. Other than that, I feel great.
So there you have it, I made the announcement to the world, yet nobody out there will ever know :)

Tired...

I am so stinking tired it's crazy. I have been going nonstop for the past week or so and it is quickly catching up with me. This past weekend was my crazy, action packed, fun-filled bachelorette party at Lake Malone. It was exactly how I had imagined it and I had a fabulous time! I didn't miss out on a ton of sleep but for some reason I feel like I did! Maybe it was the alcohol...who knows. Now, it's only Wednesday and I feel like it should be Friday. Besides work I've done 2 chapters worth of homework, taken a 2 hour test, driven to Evansville for a dress fitting, written wedding programs, picked out ceremony music, picked up our wedding bands, and finished the paperwork/list for the photographer. I don't think I've stopped or sat down to just "chill" all week. Tonight I am going straight from work to meet with the caterer and cake lady and then I have to go to the grocery store since we are down to the bare minimum. On top of this, our house is a DISASTER because we are in the middle of redoing the hardwood floors in the master bedroom. There is furniture scattered all over the house where it doesn't belong and I'm ready to slash the air mattress. Maybe that's another reason I'm tired! I have slept on an air mattress since last Sunday (except for the 2 nights at Lake Malone) and even when I am trying to sleep, my brain runs 100 miles a minute. Oh and I'm starting RCIA tomorrow night. Maybe I'll sleep on October 18...oh wait, I don't want to waste my time in Puerto Rico sleeping...

Hair Raising!

About 4 months ago, in March, my mom spent around a month in Houston. She had a little furnished apartment that provided shuddle service back and forth to MD Anderson Cancer Center. For those of you who don't know, my mom has cancer. Waldenstrom. It's a form of Lymphoma.

She had been there for 3 or 4 weeks when it was my turn to fly down for the weekend. I got off the plane, rented a car, and took off in search of her apartment. I found it, called her to tell her I was there, and turned into the parking garage. I went around and around trying to figure out which floor I needed to park on and she told me that she was outside so I'd see her when I got to where I needed to be. I came around the curve and I saw her. Standing there. And for the first time ever, my mom looked sick.

By this point, it had been over a year since her diagnosis and I knew she was sick and I could tell she was tired but she didn't "look" sick. But that day in March, she literally looked sick. I sat in the car a few minutes and pretended that I was on the phone so that I could catch my breath and wipe my tears. She was thin. So thin. She was wearing a face mask, which was a requirement the whole time she was there and on her flight home, and her hair was thin and patchy. There were places where I thought I could see her scalp.

Of course, being my mother, she immediately wanted to know my thoughts on her hair and how she looked. And me, being her daughter, couldn't lie. I told her she looked sick. And thin. And that I could see her scalp. And her, being my mother, started to fret. "Can you really see my scalp? Is it bad? Are you sure it's not just because I got it cut really short and you're not used to it?" I told her that maybe that was it and she told me that she hadn't really noticed any hair fallling out.

She had been undergoing chemotherapy the whole time she had been there in preparation for stem cell harvesting. She knew she would lose her hair so she went to the free salon at MD Anderson and had her hair cut really short. This place is amazing folks. It's all about people with cancer. You wouldn't understand it unless you've been there but they truly get it. They cut her hair for her and gave her a few head covers..you know, scarves and do-rags.

This was a Thursday night. Friday we got up and went to the cancer center in the morning. We spent most of the day there seeing different doctors and waiting around for some blood work to come back. She wasn't ready to harvest (which was very upsetting at this point) so we went back the apartment. We couldn't really go anywhere because her immune system was greatly compromised (hence the mask). Saturday morning we woke up and just sat around watching TV. We FINALLY decided to take showers and get ready for the day. Mom went to wash her hair and that's when it happened. I heard her yelling my name. I ran in the bathroom and she was standing at the sink sobbing. In both of her tiny, petite hands were clumps of her blonde hair. She dropped the hair in the sink and ran her fingers through it again. Again, handfuls of her dirty blonde hair came falling out. By this point, we were both sobbing. I told her to leave it alone and get dressed. She called my dad and her sister and cried her eyes out.

We got in the car and drove until we found a hair salon. We stumbled upon a TGIF Haircutters (or whatever it's called) and walked in. We quietly told the lady that mom needed her head shaved. The lady nodded and immediately took us back, before all of the other people that were waiting. She quickly shaved my mom's head down to the scalp. I cried. Mom cried. It was a major bonding experience. Then the lady charged her $15 but that's a whole different story...

Anyway, why am I telling this story today? Well you see she bought a beautiful wig and most people didn't even notice that she was bald. But yesterday, she went to her hairdresser and got her hair colored (it's coming back gray...and curly...which is very odd, but kind of cool). Today, she is wig free folks. I haven't seen her yet but I'm sure she looks amazing. She says it's very short but it's there and she is done with the wig for now. She goes back to Houston in August and we are hoping that she doesn't lose it all over again.

I'm thrilled that she has hair. I'm amazed that she has been so strong. I'm excited that she hasn't missed a beat. But most of all, I'm honored that she's my mother.

Champagne & Chocolate...YUMMY!

Mmmmm...bubbly champagne...rich chocolate...sounds delicious, no? It does. For sure. I'm not talking about edible champagne and chocolate though, I'm talking about the wedding colors! The big day is less than 3 months away and I couldn't be more excited!

So much has been done and as we get closer there are still so many small, last minute things to do. The menu is planned. The photographer is booked. The flowers are ordered. The bridesmaid dresses have been distributed and my dress is waiting to be altered. This week we are picking out tuxes for the menfolk and by "we" I mean him. I'm just there for support but seriously, this is all him. I picked out my dress without his opinion, he gets to pick out his tux. I'd let him do it alone but he wants me there. We're tight like that.

The bridesmaid dresses are a gorgeous champagne color with a chocolate sash around the waist. They are halter and somewhat mermaid-y and they honestly look good on everyone. They won't ever be worn again so I won't pretend that they can be cut off and worn somewhere else because let's face it, not gonna happen. They are beautiful though, or at least I think they are, and they will look beautiful on the beautiful women who will be standing with me.

We had our first wedding event this past weekend, the stock the bar party. We had an awesome time and we are so grateful for our friends for putting it together for us. We were thrilled that everyone got along so wonderfully. It was like they had all been friends forever! And our bar? Oh honey, it is stocked. We have 3 bottles of grey goose, 2 bottles of captain morgan's, a bacardi, a wild turkey, a knob creek, a blueberry vodka, a jagermeister, and a Berringer. Anyone need a night cap?

We are so excited about the way it is all coming together. I think we will accomplish our goal of simple and classic. It won't be over-the-top, we aren't wasting money, and it won't be anything that people talk about forever and ever. However, it will be exactly what we want and we will remember it forever and ever and that's perfect. After all, that is the point, isn't it?

Felix Felicis

Man, I wish I had me some felix felicis...I'd drink it all up, daily! I'd also like an invisibility cloak and the amazing ability to travel via floo powder and portkeys. I also want a time turner and a pensieve to relive my favorite memories. I also think I'd make a great beater on someones Quidditch team! Oh the life of a wizard!

Today is the day my friends. Today marks the release of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Yes, I am an addict. I admit it. Sue me. I started reading the books many years ago after some persuading from my family. "Come on Mandy, read it, the movie is getting ready to come out and we are going to go as a family and see it!" Not wanting to be left out, I picked up Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone and I instantly fell in love. From the first chapter about Harry, the Dursleys, the storeroom under the stairs on Privet Drive and Hagrid, it was true love. The book was so enchanting, so mesmerizing, so vivid and it provided an escape to a world that is so imaginative. JK Rowling is truly a genius.

After finishing the first book I went to the movie and fell even deeper. I laughed at the young wizards learning their first spells and experiencing their first broom rides. The book was so well written that I knew immediately who all of the characters were. They had been described in such detail that it was OBVIOUS. I developed a dark hate for He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and began to fear him and what he would do to my new friends.

It's been YEARS since my first brush with Harry Potter and I love it more than I did then. I have read all 7 books. I went to Wal-mart at midnight when Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was released and started reading immediately. I did NOTHING else until I had finished. I didn't turn on the TV, search the Internet or listen to the radio for fear that I'd hear something about the book and I didn't want that. I wanted to end my love affair on my own, in private, just me and Harry.

It makes me sad to think that it's almost over. The books are done but I get to relive the moments with the movies. With today's release of the SIXTH movie, I know that after this, there is only one more and the Harry Potter train pulls into the station (or should I say the Hogwarts Express?). Tomorrow night my dear, sweet fiance is taking me to the movies to see it. You are talking about the people who don't go to the movies! He knows that my love for all things Harry is real and believe it or not, he's OK with this other man in my life.

BLAH...

Do you ever just feel blah? I have no other way to describe how I am feeling at this moment. No words come to me, just blah.
I'm not unhappy.
I'm not sad.
I'm not anxious.
I'm nothing.
I feel nothing. I haven't posted in a few days for a couple of reasons. Number one, I don't really think anybody is reading. Why would they be? I have told very few people about the blog and I don't really have anything interesting to say. Number two, I'm afraid people are reading. Make sense? I know. I told you.
BLAH!
I'm afraid of saying something that makes me look stupid or vulnerable or egotistical or depressing or sarcastic or all of the above. I'm also at a loss for interesting topics. I guess because the blahness is giving me nothing to talk about. I have plenty going on in my life. School, work, wedding planning, failed attempts at weight loss, etc, etc. but nothing strikes me as relevent at the moment.
Anywho, there you go. I know my friend wanted an update so there you have it.
Maybe tomorrow I'll feel compelled to write something a little more upbeat or inspiring. For now? Not so much.